139: Healing at the Heart Level: How I got to know my parts & fully love myself w/ Dovida Goodman

00:00:09 Chazmith: Welcome to Our Power Is Within podcast. I'm your host, Chazmith, and my mission for this podcast is to inspire you to take your power back and realize that you are the healer that you have been looking for all along. We are all capable of healing in mind, in body, and in soul. 

00:00:28 Chazmith: Today’s episode is brought to you by CFS School, founded by Jen Mann and Karden Rabin. If you're not familiar with Jen and Karden yet, check out recent episode 119 where I get to pick their brains, hear about their personal health and healing journeys, and discover how CFS School was birthed. CFS School is a nervous system healing program, including an integrative brain retraining approach, polyvagal therapeutics, trauma resolution techniques, such as somatic experiencing tools, inner child work, and parts work. It is designed to help guide, support, and empower you on your self-healing journey to heal from a variety of mind, body disorders, including CFS, fibromyalgia, POTS, autoimmune sensitivities, and more. There's a self-study option that is perfect for people who want to go at their own pace. However, if you're somebody who wants more guidance and live support, the live cohort program would be perfect for you. And the coolest part is the next cohort actually begins at the end of June. Signups are available now, and the last set of cohorts prior to these did fill up quick. So if you are interested, book your free discovery call today. You'll find all the links in the show notes. 

00:01:36 Chazmith: Okay. So today we have another absolutely inspiring testimonial story with our guest, Dovida Goodman. She is such a beautiful person, and I had a wonderful time getting to chat with her and hear her story. And I have no doubts that you will too. Also, as you'll soon learn from Dovida's story, playing piano is a very important part of her journey. And if you tune in until the very end, we have a surprise for you where you will get to listen to a six minute piano piece that was created by Dovida that is near and dear to her heart. Also be on the lookout on Instagram for some audio clips of some of her other impromptu piano pieces that I will also be sharing. Please enjoy. Dovida, thank you so much for being here with me today. 

00:02:24 Dovida: It's such a pleasure to be here with you, Chazmith, and your audience. 

00:02:29 Chazmith: Yeah, yeah. I'm excited for this chat. So just for everybody who's listening, we are obviously going to be doing a testimonial story where Dovida shares her story with us today and just inspires us with how far she's come on her healing journey. And so Dovida, what I'd love to do is first ask you, what are some of the major symptoms or diagnoses that you have healed from or are still healing from? 

00:02:58 Dovida: Ah, I'd be happy to share that. So the main symptoms of this journey I've been on has been physical pain in my body, many different areas, mostly the back, triggered by playing the piano. And I'm going to have a lot to say about my relationship with the piano as we go along. And then out of that, chronic fatigue, insomnia, and then all the kinds of things that arise when you aren't getting very much sleep at all for years and years and years and years, because mine is a very long journey. 

00:03:37 Chazmith: Yeah. So pain and sleep issues. 

00:03:40 Dovida: Right, and fatigue. 

00:03:42 Chazmith: And what were some of the major catalysts into your true healing journey? And what I mean by that is I know that so many people have illness and they do this and that and this and that, and none of that stuff's really working. And then it's only when they find x, y, and z that they begin that true healing experience where they actually have this new level of hope and they actually begin to see progress. What was for you that moment? 

00:04:09 Dovida: Yes, I definitely had a moment. And it was about four and a half years ago. I was getting on a regular basis emails into my inbox about this health summit and that health summit. And I pretty much ignored all of them. But for some reason on this particular day, I decided to tune into an episode. I forget it was something on the brain sponsored by, oh, I forget the name of the doctor. And I tuned into an episode. It was about emotions. And I was pretty jaded about the whole emotional process because that was the first place I went to look for healing was to work on my deeper issues, my emotional issues that must have been suppressed, that was leading to the pain, blah, blah, blah. Mark Hyman, it was a Mark Hyman summit. And I happened without realizing it. I picked an episode where a woman was talking about DNRS. And I feel that I was absolutely guided to listen that day to something I would normally just dismiss, but something clicked, that, that was the missing piece why all the huge list. 

00:05:27 Dovida: My journey started in 1985. So this is already 34 years of mostly being bedridden into the journey. And I thought that's the missing piece. And I joined immediately DNRS. It immediately heightened all the symptoms. And I did the program. I learned the mental discipline. And I did those rounds an hour a day. I did buddy rounds. I went to a live seminar. I bought the t-shirt and nothing was changing with my symptoms. And in fact, it's been about a year and a half to recover from what got the resistance or whatever it was that happened when I started DNRS. And then I went on looking, looking, looking, trying Gupta, trying ANS REWIRE. And then I heard Cathleen King speak a little over two years ago at a weekend conference that were highlighting different people doing brain rewiring. And I felt I had met my teacher. And the moment she opened up Primal Trust, I was in her pilot program in December of 2020. And that was the game changer that, with what she was offering with the community, with what I was ready for. I mean, I had to be ready, obviously. That's when things started to really change for me.

00:07:01 Chazmith: Okay, so DNRS, doing classic brain new training, followed by eventually getting into the Primal Trust program for that next layer. 

00:07:10 Dovida: Right, exactly.

00:07:12 Chazmith: How long did you say you did DNRS for? 

00:07:14 Dovida: I did it for about 13 months. Yeah. 

00:07:19 Chazmith: And what year did you start that? 

00:07:22 Dovida: 2019. It was March or April. I started with the online course. And then in September, I went to the live seminar. 

00:07:31 Chazmith: Gotcha. Okay. And so it was around that 13 month mark that you then also just stepped into Primal Trust. 

00:07:39 Dovida: I don't know if I'm giving you the timeline right. I went into ANS REWIRE, another program out of Australia. And then I discovered in September of 2020, I discovered Cathleen, I listened to her, attended her little demonstration. And then I joined Primal Trust on December 2nd, 2020.

00:08:04 Chazmith: Oh, okay, that's right. It was in the winter. 

00:08:07 Dovida: Yes, it was.

00:08:09 Chazmith: Well, how long did you do ANS REWIRE? 

00:08:12 Dovida: I did whatever it took to get to that program, maybe three or four months. And again, nothing was budging with the major symptoms, but I knew I was in the right track. And I had moved out of, you know, as soon as I found DNRS, what changed in my life is that feeling of hopelessness and despair. And I guess this is it. I'm going to have to live this little [simple] size life on my bed for the rest of my life. It had been going on for 35 years. But once I got into DNRS, in spite of not having the success that I wanted, my mindset did change. And I did see the path ahead of me, even though I haven't found my teacher yet. 

00:09:09 Chazmith: So DNRS really did support you with shifting your mindset–

00:09:13 Dovida: Yes.

00:09:13 Chazmith: And bringing you, higher level of hope to you and knowingness in your capacity to heal. You just weren't getting the level of healing from physical symptoms yet at that time. 

00:09:24 Dovida: Right. And it taught me incredible mental discipline. I mean, I really saw the power of my thoughts to go either direction down or up. And that really helped me. Helped me a lot. Yeah. 

00:09:40 Chazmith: And what do you think it was about Primal Trust that really helped?

00:09:43 Dovida: Well, at that time, there was no level one and my DNRS background served as a level one foundation. It was the work going under the hood is how I say it to look at what might be the root causes, which I had been doing that work for years. I started that work in 1985. But there was something about how she presented it that I became much, much more aware of the beliefs that I was holding on to and the onslaught throughout the day of hundreds of thoughts that communicated to the limbics part of my brain that I was not okay. Like, the thoughts of, I wish I hadn't said that. I shouldn't be thinking this. Oh, this is going to bring me down. Oh, I don't like this feeling. I don't like being afraid or judgy, self-judging thoughts. And all those thoughts are communicating. I'm not okay. I'm not okay. Something's wrong. Something's wrong. Danger, danger, alert, alert. Need to fix this. And it was a process to learn that the very pursuit of trying to fix myself was what was perpetuating the symptoms. And I can imagine to an audience that doesn't share that perspective that that sounds counterintuitive because when you're really uncomfortable and you're suffering, you want to fix it. It's the logical thing to try to do. And I can only say that as you go through your own journey, should you choose to follow what I'm doing and a lot of other people are doing, you will come to your own understanding how trying to fix is not the answer. 

00:11:42 Chazmith: Yeah, it's interesting because these statements that you shared, I wish I hadn't said that. I shouldn't be thinking this. I don't like this feeling or I hate being judgmental. These experiences are all likely driven by some part of us. 

00:12:00 Dovida: Right.

00:12:00 Chazmith: And there's this other part that is essentially judging those parts, judging those thoughts, judging those feelings and acting as though it's bad. We're “bad to have that thought,” “bad to have that feeling–” 

00:12:18 Dovida: Right.

00:12:18 Chazmith: When in reality, it's just a part of us and we don't have to give it that power.

00:12:25 Dovida: Right. I forgot I left out that all the internal family systems parts work, that Cathleen also has part of the program. That's been huge for me. And in fact, I don't know if this is the moment in the podcast for me to share this, but one of the huge turnarounds in my relationship with the piano, which was the trigger, part of the trigger of my perfect storm, was doing a process where I was getting in touch with various inner conflicts. And I discovered this part that I can now look back on that has been with me all my life. It's this rebellious part that does not tolerate my not loving myself. It does not tolerate my not accepting myself. It first showed up. I used to be a hundred pounds heavier than I am today. And I had a very serious compulsive eating disorder from anorexia to overeating. And I was a hundred pounds heavier in my late teens and early 20s. And I had this kind of awakening realization one day that the moment I decided to be on a diet, which signified Dovida, I don't accept how I look. I don't accept myself the way I am. And I'm trying to fix myself and change my body image. This part would just rebel and move me into compulsive eating the moment I tried to restrict my eating. So I let go of dieting forever. I sat down one day and I just said, okay, I'm not going to do that again. I'm not going to make myself go hungry ever again. 

00:14:17 Dovida: And instead I started to be drawn to being healthy. And I started to be drawn to just wanting to eat healthy foods, not to lose weight, but just to feel good. And at that point, I didn't have particular health issues. And between that and the work I was doing to just become more comfortable with feelings directly and not having to eat to try to comfort myself, I gradually, gradually, gradually, it wasn't overnight, I lost a hundred pounds and have been my very comfortable weight for like 35, 40 years now, I mean, a long time. And now I look back and I realize I rewired my brain. I didn't know anything about rewiring because when I would overeat, it would just trigger wanting to eat more and more. But I changed into trying to fix myself into trying to create health and feeling good. And that compulsion dropped away and the compulsion to feel uncomfortable with a full belly just dropped away. I started to like not feeling full. And I started to be able to eat anything I wanted. I never thought that would be possible for me because I started having issues with eating when I was nine. So I don't know if your audience can relate to any of this, but I see it as a sort of slow continuum of coming to realize how crucial it is to accept ourselves how we are, including the judgmental voice. It's all there, all those parts are there to try to take care of us. We learned all these different strategies going back to our childhood. And they're just not as effective as some other choices might be now. But they're not going to budge if we hate them, if we don't love them. They're just going to dig in their heels and act up. So I'll come back to this, how it affected me and piano later, point in the talking. 

00:16:28 Chazmith: Okay, that's awesome. Thank you. Yeah, that is just such a cool story. I'm so grateful you shared that about the rewiring your brain, but not even knowing that's what you're doing and having that massive shift in outcome of your life. Wow. 

00:16:44 Dovida: Yeah, really. 

00:16:45 Chazmith: Wow. Now, as you were doing Primal Trust, did you still engage in a rewiring practice?

00:16:52 Dovida: Oh, definitely. And in fact, I hung on to my DNRS round for a long time because I had noticed that the moment I would start to do it, I would start yawning, which I've come to learn is that's a sign of calming the sympathetic nervous system. So I thought, well, I've laid down so many tracks, positive tracks forming these new neural pathways with the DNRS form of round, why don't I continue it? And I just started to add in some of the other elements that Cathleen teaches in her version. So yeah, the thing is with these kind of practices, you find your way to what works for you. And I even know there are people that say they never did rounds. That wasn't what they did. They found other ways to elevate their mood and change associations. But I still do it. I don't do it very regularly at this point, because I'm so busy living my life. I'm busy. I'm a busy girl now, which is just so unbelievable to me because it was so many years in a sort of prison of my own making with my body where I didn't do very much except try to heal. 

00:18:16 Chazmith: Right. So for so many of us, healing just becomes our full time job, our primary focus. And I don't know if you can speak to this, but I know for me, that was one of the biggest things I got from Primal Trust and Dr. Cat was that a reminder that living in purpose and pursuing joy and passion is also more than supportive and necessary for healing. And so if our entire life has gotten small, where all we're focusing on is all these healing tasks and healing to-do lists that we completely eliminate that joy, we're missing such an integral part of our capacity to actually indeed heal. And so yeah, I loved how she was really able to teach ways that we could still pursue our joy in spite of symptoms because I know I've been in this position where I said, oh, but I can't do the things I love because of my symptoms. And I love how she was like, no, we're going to still get creative and find ways to still experience this joy in spite of symptoms.

00:19:30 Dovida: Yeah. Oh, that's just so true. And that's totally part of my story of recovering to where I am right now. It's still in process, but I had to stop waiting for my body to be different than it was to start going back into life. And I remember there was a class and I started crying and I broke down and I said, I feel ashamed that how could I have let myself give up all of that life for years based on this idea I had that I had to be disciplined to try to avoid pain. And that was going to be my way through, even though time and time again, I mean, the years were passing 10, 20, 30 years were passing and it wasn't working, but it remained the only thing that worked a little bit some of the time and everything else just made it worse, any other modalities. So I kept hanging on there thinking this was the way to take care of myself. And Cathleen was so wonderful. She responded. She just said, you were loving yourself. You thought that this was the path and that was the way to love yourself was to through all this avoidance and trying to heal your body that way. And now you can choose a different way. And that really helped me with the, just shame I felt that I could have let so much of my life go, including playing the piano. I had been a concert pianist and I stopped in 1985, never played again, sold my piano for medical expenses. 

00:21:21 Chazmith: Wow.

00:21:21 Dovida: And I just thought that was it. 

00:21:25 Chazmith: Looking back.

00:21:25 Dovida: I thought a lot of things was… yeah. 

00:21:27 Chazmith: Knowing what you know now, do you feel that those choices added icing on the cake, like added to the pain or the illness developing, growing or strengthening because you gave up something that was so sacred to you?

00:21:44 Dovida: Well, yes and no. First of all, to understand, I have a very complex relationship to playing the piano. My mother was a Holocaust survivor and a great pianist. And after going through that experience being in the camps, she never thought anything was going to be possible. But then when she got married and she was pregnant with me, she prayed for her daughter who would play the piano and she would play hours of music to her pregnant belly. So when I came out, I started playing when I was two and there was all this focus and pressure on me to live the life that my mother couldn't live because of what happened to her. So I never got to have this fun, it's just for me to enjoy relationship with the piano. I started lessons at four and I auditioned for the Philadelphia Orchestra at nine. I didn't win. I did win some other contests. I never wanted to perform, but it was expected of me. So when I started having pain playing the piano, I knew it was all of this. And in some ways it was a relief to stop. It was a gift because so much of my identity and my sense of value as a person was tied up in this being a performer. 

00:23:18 Dovida: And I used to do concerts even with my mom, which is a whole other chapter. I brought her into so she could play again. And we did these very cool concerts in the early 80s up until this perfect storm. So the first gift that came out of stopping everything in my life, I had been a piano tuner, rebuilder besides a professional pianist in 1985. So everything was stripped away and I had to discover my value as a human being just laying on a bean back chair all day long and just talking to friends once in a while on the phone. And that was a gift. The choice I made to let go of everything, there was a gift in that and there was a strength that it gave me to have some sense of value as a human being just for being me and being a good listener, being a good friend. And my value started to come off of what I did and more just who I am. So I'm not sure if I answered your question but I did say something I wanted to say.

00:24:32 Chazmith: You 100% answered my question. I just think that's so awesome because it sounds to me like, of course, you wouldn't want to give everything up and go through so many years of pain. I mean, you're talking from 85 to what, 2020? That's a long time to be in pain. However, it does sound like there was, like you just said a gift in it. Like you through that experience were able to really lean into, yes, going through the pain, but all of it eventually led you down the path into DNRS, into Primal Trust and into having these self-discoveries. And  through that experience, you were able to learn how to find and create your worthiness outside of just being the pianist.

00:25:22 Dovida: Exactly. And I had to. And as I mentioned, I had this part that rebelled against any inner critic I had and any self-judgment and any pressure I put on myself. And it felt, give you pain because that's going to stop you. I'm not going to let you play if you're going to make it mean who you… this is how well you play as a mark of your worth as a person. 

00:25:48 Chazmith: So do you think that's how the piano became a trigger for you? 

00:25:53 Dovida: Oh, definitely. I mean, I was all the family dynamics. My mother used to yell at me to practice because I wasn't practicing. And then I'd run up to my room and cry and my dad would come and comfort me. So my dad was my guardian angel and I hated my mother. And all of that was wrapped up that I had to face and work through. And it's been a long process. And still to this day, if I start to feel pressure around playing the piano, the symptoms start raising their head. And I know, oh, okay, I've taken this out of being fun and pleasurable. So actually, I would like to take this moment to say how I ended up playing the piano again. 

00:26:41 Chazmith: I would love you to share that. 

00:26:42 Dovida: Yeah. And I tend to cry when I tell this story because you have to understand that this journey has been a journey from feeling so limited and not having any sense of a future and feeling so many low points of despair and not even wanting to be in the body. And I know a lot of people, unfortunately, can relate to this and into this place of feeling unstoppable and anything is possible. So how did I get to here? So part of the Primal Trust journey was to find my values, to connect with what gives me joy. And I started to remember the visceral physical experience of playing the piano. And I was at a very advanced level at the time that I stopped playing. It was actually, I was trying to learn a piece by Chopin, the Barcarolle, that was way too hard for me. And I was pushing and pushing in my back, tighter and tighter. But I could remember as I was going through these processes with Dr. Cat, that feeling, that wonderful feeling of being able to channel my passion and my sensuality and my power and my delicacy and my sensibility and my sense of beauty, that I could channel it through my hands and my hands would fly up and down the keyboard. And it was like this huge physical workout, the kinds of things that I was playing. And I just started letting myself feel that. I started feeling that in my rounds for my vision. I started just feeling the piano and feeling, enjoying it and loving it. And I started to build a new relationship. 

00:28:49 Dovida: And out of the blue, though, you look back and you realize nothing's happening out of the blue. The woman who had produced a concert tour for my mother in 1982, in early 2021, while I was doing Primal Trust Journey, she contacted me. She tracked me down. It's like 40 years later. She found me and she said, what? You're not playing the piano? You don't have a piano? Let me do a GoFundMe campaign for you. And at the time, I was just starting to building a new relationship to playing the piano. And I wasn't ready and I put her off. And I also went through some physical ebbs, a big ebbs in 2021. But in 2022, I contacted her and I said, Talia, I'm ready. And I created a video for this GoFundMe campaign that she put together. And it was launched in the end of May or June of 2022. $11,200 was raised. Oh my God. I had already set my sights. I knew because I'm living in Venezuela, I'm not going to be able to have a really good acoustic piano. And I need to switch to a digital, which is a whole new world for me that I was mixed feelings about. But I set my eyes on a really good one because I knew for me to return to the piano based on where I was before I stopped playing, that I would not be inspired by a crappy piano. 

00:30:41 Dovida: And so I did a lot of research and I got this Italian made one called the Dexibell VIVO S9 and all the equipment. Oh my God, all the cables and equipment comes with, digital world. And it arrived on a day when there was a cyclone that was supposed to hit the island, which hadn't happened in about a hundred years. And we set out to the place to get the boxes that had arrived from the US. It was shipped from the US and the sun came out long enough to go and get it. And then it poured rain right after we got home. And so, so many things. I mean, I had said to Talia, one of the reasons I said yes to the GoFundMe was that I felt it was going to take a village of support for me to face the piano again and play it and not go back into the old ways of judging myself and being hyper critical of how I played and being super, I was very insecure about my playing. I mean, I listen now and go, oh my God, I did that. But at the time, I was very insecure. And with the community, I mean, a third of the donations came from the Primal Trust community. 

00:32:09 Chazmith: Wow. 

00:32:10 Dovida: And I had been working on producing a variety show, like a talent show for Primal Trust for July 21st. And my piano arrived three weeks before and I committed to playing at that variety show. And I did. It had been only three weeks and I played and it was so amazing because I have such a new relationship now with playing. I mean, before I came from a classical music background and I also did a lot of improvisation, but the background was, you practice and you practice and you practice and that's how you prepare. And I don't do that anymore. I had my first, being paid for concert in December, just this past December, and I started to get, feel the pressure, the old pressure, and I started to feel, I'm not ready to do this. I'm not ready. And I didn't want to practice. And my back started hurting and my arms started hurting. And I just let it go. And instead I just imagined connecting with people, seeing their smiling faces. I was performing for an assisted living facility in Wisconsin and my preparation was relaxing and being connected to my true self as best I could. Because that's where the music flows from. That's where the creativity flows from. And it's not that I don't need to move my fingers, you know, there's the physical element of it. 

00:33:50 Dovida: But I have really found my way to having this wonderful new relationship with the piano to the degree that a few weeks ago, I started a business. I discovered I have a gift for being able to tune into people and create healing pieces of music for them. And so I started a business with Valentine's Day, of offering people to buy gifts for themselves or for loved ones that I'll create a unique piece of music for them. And I discovered that I am a musical empath. That's what a friend decided to call me. And I can tune into people, even people I've never met just based on the sound of their name and maybe a little bit of information about them, maybe a photo. And I can create this piece of music. Well, a friend of mine came to me and said, I want to commission you to create a piece of music that represents 48 years of my marriage. Because recently after 48 years and a zillion years of marriage counseling, we've had a breakthrough. And the marriage is so good now, better than ever, like I never would have believed it. And she's also somebody in Primal Trust. So I'd be part of how she's changing as a result of the work. And so when she said that, I said, that's impossible. And then I immediately said yes, because that is what my life is about. Now it's being asked to do things or asking myself to do things that seem impossible. But I've got this attitude of curiosity, like, well, let's find out what's possible. 

00:35:37 Dovida: So a few weeks ago, I had fulfilled all the orders for Valentine's Day. And then there was this piece that hung kind of heavy on me, like, how do I possibly represent 48 years of marriage? And it was a day where I was feeling kind of emotional. And I found myself standing in front of the refrigerator, about to eat. And I said out loud to myself, Dovida, wake up, this is emotional eating. Why don't you go play the piano instead? And I did, I walked over to the piano, played a few notes, thought, oh, that could be the opening of that piece, hit record and out it came. That was it. Well, all these pieces show up on the first take. It doesn't work for me to do second takes. But I'm mentioning this whole story because, one, oh my God, I no longer look to food, to process emotions. And now I have this relationship with music to process emotions. I mean, I have a healthy relationship. And I can't believe it, because I didn't for so many years. And my mother was just freaked out. I was wasting my gift, and now I realized, yeah, I have a gift. And this is my path to serve people and to serve healing through music. I do coaching as well. But my great love is music now. And that's what this journey has given, that back to me. And that's when my body started getting better and better. I reached a sort of pinnacle point as we approached the GoFundMe, where the more I worked on the GoFundMe, the better my body felt. For a long time, it would flare up when I tried to work on it. But I crossed that pinnacle, especially with that one session where I discovered I had a part that said, I'm not going to let you play unless you love yourself exactly how you are.

00:37:43 Chazmith: That's amazing. So do you have a daily ritual or practice that you still partake in on the regular to sustain your well-being and continue to dive deeper into this human journey?

00:37:59 Dovida: I do. One of the things that came back to me with playing the piano again was my love of music. I don't know why. I guess it was just part of the dark place that I had to go in. I stopped listening to music as well. I stopped playing. I mean, not totally. I had a partner who loved music and would play music. But I started listening to a lot of piano music because I discovered I just figured if I listened to all this piano music, my hands are just going to start being able to do it. I made some remarkable strides with playing even though I didn't physically practice a lot. So my mornings start out with, I listen to music and I listen to music that gives me joy and makes me want to move. Sometimes I get up on my feet. Sometimes I'm just laying down and I'm swaying and I just feel this upliftment. I do it every day. And then part of my morning rituals, I feed street cats. It used to be many. At the moment, it's just one. I'm listening to music the whole way and I'm kind of dancing on the street. 

00:39:14 Dovida: The other day, I became aware of what I must look like. I've got my headphones on and I'm bouncing down the street listening to this Paul Winter piece that I like. I thought then, Dovida, you're 70 years old. You can do whatever you want. It's true. So that's how I start my morning. I might do what's now called an ABC round or I might do a little bit of breath work, but mostly my day is filled with things that I love. Dr. Cat gave me a job. I started earning money for the first time in like 30 years starting last June doing these discovery calls for people who are interested in the program. It's such an up for me to connect with people like that. If they ask me about my own story, I am so overjoyed to tell them about this and about returning to the piano. It's mood elevation all day long. I have some amazing friends and I have buddies that I study the material with that Cathleen is presenting. I go to the beach every Sunday now. Yeah, I'm living life. That's a lot. My practice is living life and not laying down all day. 

00:40:40 Chazmith: I love that. Yeah. How long have you lived in Venezuela?

00:40:44 Dovida: I have lived here since 2006. 

00:40:48 Chazmith: What made you move there? 

00:40:50 Dovida: Well, I was married at the time. My husband died about almost five years ago. I was married, living in Austin, Texas, and he needed a lot of dental work. We wanted holistic dentistry and that was even more expensive than non-holistic dentistry. I think he got an estimate of $35,000, something just not to be considered. We started researching below the border, Costa Rica, Mexico. There are a lot of dentists doing dentistry in Tijuana. We heard about a dentist on Margarita Island, Venezuela. We thought, that sounds interesting because we were also thinking we'd like to move out of the United States and have the experience of being in a different culture because there's things that it's hard to become aware of, beliefs that you may have taken on from the culture that you've been living in all your life. We were ready for an adventure. We wanted warm ocean water, so we came down in 2005 and we fell in love. We fell in love with a couple of people that we met here. We went back and in May, sold our house in Austin and moved in. Well, we put it on the market in May and sold it in August and moved September 6th, 2006 to Margarita. We were not aware of what was going to happen to the country. It's an economic disaster and there's lots of times of, no water, no power, no internet, but even with all that, I love it here and it is affordable because I was not earning any money for years. Where could I live for very little money? I'm here. I don't know that I'm going to stay here because I never really learned Spanish fluently and I miss speaking English and having friends I can speak English with. I'm not sure what's next.

00:42:47 Chazmith: Okay. Was that move hard while you were already dealing with pain and chronic fatigue?

00:42:53 Dovida: Yes, it was. It was hard. Yes, and then my husband developed Parkinson's and I became his caretaker for many years. And so while I miss him, of course, we were together 29 years. His death actually opened up for me an opportunity of the healing that I think that I've been able to have these last four and a half years since he died that might not have happened. I was also a woman, even though I knew better and I was a feminist and all that, I kind of lost myself in that relationship and lost connection to who I really am. And again, the work with Cathleen to find my values and who I am and appreciate who I am and become self-loving has been, I think that's 80% or 90% of the healing. That's my personal opinion and all these tools, they are important, but this certainly for me was the most important piece to identify the perfectionist and not have ran my life and to be kind to myself and understanding and not expect myself to live up to some ideal. 

00:44:14 Chazmith: And you said, identify the perfectionist and not have her run your life, but you didn't say fix her. I just wanted to point that out. 

00:44:23 Dovida: That's true. 

00:44:24 Chazmith: You didn't discover these parts and then need to change them. You just needed to know them and understand them.

00:44:32 Dovida: Right. And you would–

00:44:34 Chazmith: Yeah.

00:44:34 Dovida: You grow what you might call your main personality, your true self, your adult main personality, and you start to become aware when you're not quite in that personality. I've even discovered there's a twin, that that personality seems really like the adult, but her heart's closed. That's the tell. But it's true. All these parts are just here to try to take care of us from their limited perspective of what the best way is to do that. And I honor them. 

00:45:10 Chazmith: I know you're pretty much saying your life's just busy now living, but do you ever do any kind of investigative parts work or need to in any way tend to your parts these days or do you wish?

00:45:23 Dovida: Sure. Sure. I mean, what happens with this journey is your awareness just starts growing and growing and growing your self-awareness. And I was at a class recently for people who have been… are in what's called level three of Primal Trust. And the thing, when we spoke, the thing that we all shared about our journey in terms of what's different now besides living our life is our level of self-awareness and self-compassion. And I'm about to take level two for, I think, the fourth time. It’s starting–

00:46:02 Chazmith: Wow.

00:46:02 Dovida: On April 4th. I did it twice, taught by her and then twice with the buddy. We went through it. Maybe it was just three times and this will be my fourth time. Yeah. And so I'm engaged with it because this is my path of transformation. I'm still learning so much about myself all the time. I've recently started. It's a virtual relationship, but it's a little bit more than friendship. And it's enough more than friendship that some of the stuff, the icky stuff is coming to the surface now that doesn't show its head unless you are in that kind of relationship. And I count very much on this work to help me be more and more honest and give me the courage to be honest because it's the communication that makes all the difference. And I was kind of scared to speak my truth for a long time. And I'm still coming out that way and getting more and more bold and not shy. And–

00:47:09 Chazmith: Yeah. That's so cool. I love that because that's really what happens, right? Is life gives us this next experience to help us go into that next layer of healing that we need. 

00:47:20 Dovida: Yeah. I just want to say that I feel that those of us who have ended up with chronic, anything, this is just my personal belief that we've taken on a big work of transformation in this lifetime because this is not an easy path. And for better or for worse, the discomfort does keep us motivated to keep going and uncover the layers and the layers. And I know for me, I'm here to remember who I am. I'm here to wake up. Some people use the word enlightenment, but I'm here to really become who I am and shed who I'm not. And that's a process. That's a process, becoming aware of who you're not and letting that go, because it kind of drops away as you embrace and embody more and more who you are. You don't have to worry so much about who you're not. That falls away as you go towards creation instead of fixing, moving forward into your radiant, true being self. 

00:48:31 Chazmith: Yeah. Yeah. Oh, never easy. Not always fun, but worth it. 

00:48:36 Dovida: No, but we're so courageous. We're so courageous. And there was this moment I just want to share because it had such an impact on me. 2021 was hard for me. I got into a dip and I had a deal with letting go of an addictive substance that I had been using for pain. And I was going through withdrawal and it was really rough. And somebody gifted me a private session with Dr. Cat. That was a time when she was available for that. And during the session, I spoke to her. I said, I'm aware of this part of me just wants to be rescued. I so badly want to be rescued because clearly I'm not able to do it. I'm failing. I'm failing, Cathleen. And I need something, someone, something from the universe to help me. And I just let myself feel that vulnerable, just need, absolute need. And along with that need was the belief that I couldn't do it myself. I had really lost faith in myself. And Cathleen looked me straight in the eye and she said, Dovida, on the hero's journey, which is what we're all on. If we're dealing with anything chronic, on the hero's journey, nobody comes to rescue the hero. And then I looked at her and I went, Oh God, oh shit, you're right. But it's true. And it turns out, of course, I am the hero for heroin in my story and I had what it takes and I have what it takes. And I really have that sense of Primal Trust now that the universe has got my back. I've got my back. I can face whatever I have to face. Not that I don't get scared and anxious and worried and all that, but I do have that fundamental sense of okayness. And that's what that part of the brain is looking for is for us to sense we're okay. We really are okay. 

00:50:49 Chazmith: Yeah.

00:50:50 Dovida: Right in this moment, exactly how it is. 

00:50:53 Chazmith: Right. What a beautiful experience you've had. I mean, not all of it, but I'm just saying the outcome and what you're gaining, what you're learning about yourself, the self discovery and these next steps in your life that you're living, this relationship with the piano, it all sounds really beautiful. 

00:51:09 Dovida: I'm excited. I'm happy when I wake up. I was never happy to be alive when I would wake up in the morning. And now I am, whether I've had a good night's sleep or not. I'm still dealing with some sleep issues. I'll just mention that yoga nidra is making a big difference for me. So I practice that many times a day as my go-to practice for recharging and just chilling. 

00:51:38 Chazmith: I love yoga nidra. I do that every night before bed. 

00:51:42 Dovida: You do? No, I'm starting–

00:51:43 Chazmith: Yeah.

00:51:44 Dovida: To, I’m starting to have that discipline and it really helps me be able to fall back to sleep if I wake up. 

00:51:50 Chazmith: That's awesome. 

00:51:52 Dovida: So I am happy. I'm a happy person now. Not always, but it's more my baseline, whereas my baseline before was depression with little journeys out into happiness, but coming back into depression. Now it's the opposite. And yeah, it just seems like I can dream big. Why not? Let's find out what's possible. My self-worth isn't dependent on it coming true. So let's find out what's possible. 

00:52:22 Chazmith: Wow. That's awesome. I want to ask you one more question. 

00:52:26 Dovida: Yes. 

00:52:28 Chazmith: If you were told that you could only share and spread one message with the world for the rest of your life, what would you want your message to be? 

00:52:38 Dovida: Buy Bitcoin. No, just kidding. I would say trust yourself, trust your inner guidance, always tune in to what's right for you and if it feels right, buy Bitcoin. 

00:53:07 Chazmith: Oh my goodness. But not when it's $60,000. 

00:53:11 Dovida: Oh no, it's way down right now. It's a good time to buy, but I'm not giving financial advice. 

00:53:18 Chazmith: Nope. 

00:53:19 Dovida: I'm just being funny because my sense of humor has come back and I am quite willing to embarrass myself and shoot my wad on having one message for the whole world to be, buy Bitcoin. 

00:53:36 Chazmith: I love it. I hope for myself and for everybody who's listening at whatever age they are, that we don't need to wait until we're 70 to be able to embarrass ourselves. 

00:53:50 Dovida: Yes, exactly. 

00:53:52 Chazmith: I hope that we don't wait until we're old enough that we're like, oh, I'm old enough now. I hope we get to do it if we're in our 20s and we're listening right now or 30s or 40s, wherever we're at. I hope we can get there because I feel that there's so much freedom in that experience. 

00:54:10 Dovida: Oh yes, there is. 

00:54:13 Chazmith: Thank you. 

00:54:14 Dovida: May I say how people can contact me if they would like a piece of music? 

00:54:20 Chazmith: Of course, you can. 

00:54:23 Dovida: Well, right, I don't have a website up yet, though it will be pianobydovida.com, but in the meantime, I have an email address of pianobydovida, D like David, O, V like Victor, I, D like David, A, so pianobydovida@gmail.com. 

00:54:45 Chazmith: Fantastic. Are you on any social media? 

00:54:48 Dovida: I'm on Facebook. I haven't gotten there yet. Oh, wait, no, I have a YouTube channel. What am I saying? I've got all these videos on there from back in 1985 and also new ones that I've done since last July, as well as that concert in December that I thought I couldn't do, but it came out great. That whole concert's on there. I have some things from my concerts with my mom on there, so just look up my name on YouTube. I'm [Leole] Dovida Goodman and you'll find me. 

00:55:23 Chazmith: Awesome. Thank you again. Thank you for being here. Thanks for sharing your story. It's been a really inspiring story, so I'm very excited to get to share it with the community and everyone who will be listening. Keep playing the piano. Keep being awesome. 

00:55:37 Dovida: Thank you and you too, Chazmith. I have no doubt you will continue to be very awesome and thank you for giving so many of us a platform to tell our story and for touching so many people's lives. You are really making a difference and thank you. 

00:55:54 Chazmith: Yeah, thank you. 

00:55:56 Chazmith: How amazing is Dovida's story? Oh, she is such a beautiful person. I'm really grateful I got to connect with her and I'm so grateful that she is playing piano again and with joy and ease. Stories like this are so inspiring and show us what is truly possible for every single one of us. Yes, even you, whoever you are out there right now listening who might still be struggling with feeling the hope that your own healing is possible. Please always remember that you are never alone and if you ever need support or a friend, there are many ways to connect with me. You can leave me a voice memo on my website anytime, send me an email or even a DM. I hope that you will enjoy these next six minutes of this beautiful piece that was created by our guest, Dovida Goodman. And until next time, make this week great. 

00:56:48 to 01:03:19 [Piano piece by Dovida Goodman]